Feeling pretty sick today. Better physically than yesterday, but my soul is still as sick as it has been for quite a while.
Why is my soul sick? I feel like I'm moving through life desperately alone. Despite the success I've been having, there are things that still make me feel hollow.
One of the biggest things is something that should be inconsequential, but bugs me to no end. After blowing up at Shad for him abandoning me as a friend, I've tried to send feelers and invitations out to him that he has pretty much ignored. He's "too busy" or something. Trying something a bit more major, I solicited some services from him to be used on my portfolio. That was a couple of weeks ago. Had he said that he didn't want to do this thing or something else, that would be fine. However, what he told me was that he hadn't had a chance to check his email. What bullshit! He's been on facebook and done a bunch of other things since that time and it's been over two weeks now. Who the hell doesn't get a chance to check their email in two weeks. The only thing I can imagine is that he doesn't want this, but is too much of a coward to tell me to my face. What a jackass.
Other things are bothering me too, but nothing so directly. Renny is still sick with her disease, though she's doing somewhat better. However, she's freaking out about it still as well as the deadline for her graduate portfolio which is in January. Things that are understandable, but taxing.
As for things with Sara, I don't know where things stand. We had some really nice interactions for a couple of weeks, but then she suddenly disappeared off the map again. I know Shad doesn't want her seeing me alone and that she's been horribly depressed, but that's all I really know. I miss her. I've reached out in a couple of small ways, but I'm afraid to do anything too overt as I don't want to cause her pressure or discomfort.
Caitlin came into town this past weekend. That was nice as I was able to talk to her and get some (friendly) affection from her without it being a terribly complicated issue. In fact, she gave me one of the best compliments that I've ever gotten as she called me "uncomplicated." I wish that compliment was something that went across the board. I like Caitlin and I like cuddling with her, but I have to admit that I don't have terribly deep feelings for her. I think that's actually one of the reasons she likes me.
My crush for Rachel is fading to some extent. I think she's cute and intelligent and she shares some similar interests with me, but I don't know, it's not all there. She's one of the more balanced political activists that I know, but is a bit overly focused in my opinion. It's not really a bad thing, but it makes it hard to talk to her about some things. Also, I'm not sure about her judge of character. She's a terribly soft-hearted, tolerant, and accepting person which is a rare and beautiful thing, but makes me a bit nervous because it also lets in a somewhat unsavory element.
Her being a bit of an overcommitter and somewhat unreliable should also affect my feelings too, but to be quite honest, it's not that big of a deal. Most of my friends are unreliable and I'm starting to get a bitter acceptance of that fact. No matter how much people rely on me, it seems as though I'm essentially going to be on my own for everything that matters to me.
Eh, maybe I'm just bitter so much that I've skewed reality in my own head.
